Cold War

Boy do I have a lot of work to do. Personal work. For the first time (in a long time), I feel the need for balance and stability. My creepy repressed childhood memories are surfacing, my job is dead due to the economy and I feel like I have little self-worth, not giving anything to the world. I decided to try to help the Haiti vicitms, but my ebay and craigslist auctions to win a date with me were removed due to a breech in terms of service. I guess sex was an issue. I wasn't proposing that sex was for sale. I do that for free.

I emailed my parents and tell them all this, (not that I would have sex for free), but that I am in a lonely place, after moving back from Brazil, and I thought it was clear that I needed emotional support. Instead, I was told my idea to help Haiti victims was "full of hot air". This reminded me of my childhood where nothing I ever did was good enough. They kicked me while I was down. I was not allowed to have emotions; to be angry or sad. After being spanked and sent to my bedroom, my mom would look at me and ask, "what's wrong?"

Some people may think that a blog is not the appropriate venue to discuss such issues. But this is my journal. One of the first blogging websites was called "Live Journal". Let's start a revolution and allow ourselves to talk openly about our disfunctions. No family is without. Let's stop pretending. Let's make a change. Let's speak out against abuse! I am completely confident in talking about personal issues regardless of my parents' threats to sue me for "slander". My father is a deacon in the Catholic church, and their reputation as prominent figures in their community is more important than their relationship with their daughter. It's a shame, to miss out on the growth of your children, being grandparents, having a loving relationship with your family.

The therapy I was receiving has been temporarily suspended. I was doing phone therapy with a friend's mom who practiced for 27 years and is now retired. She jumped at the chance to help me out, for free. She's amazing at what she does. But after having read the emails my parents sent me, she decided that I needed more; a support group and face-to-face sessions. My parents have secrets in their past that contribute to who they are and how they raised us. The type of childhood I endured is apparently horrifying. I have one memory of my mother punishing my brother. She nailed a 4X8 sheet of wood over the family room entrance so my brother couldn't get out of his room and join the rest of the family. We were often sent to bed without dinner, sent to eat in the garage with the dogs if our table manners were not polite. Dishes were thrown on the floor and holes were kicked in doors. My mother was a very angry person, and felt it okay to express it in this manner.

I sent an email to my parents to remind them of this behavior, hoping that they would take some accountability so we can have a real relationship. But I refused to read what they wrote back. I had a friend read the emails, and as a mother of two, she was absolutely disgusted with how "sick" they are, how they have complete amnesia and fault me for bringing up these memories, as if I had made them all up. So there is a cold war now, as I refuse to have toxic relationships in my life.