happiness

i have not been happy since i left brazil.

i have always been a happy person. for some reason, this has changed over the past few months. i have always felt i belonged here, i had passion. don't get me wrong; i'm not suicidal or anything, but i am standing still and i need to move forward. something's gotta give. life is throwing challenges i have not had to face in a long time. even in my profession, the economy has taken a toll. i have always been so independent, able to make money and survive, put myself through school, pay my bills, and even indulge in some sushi and jcrew when i wanted. now, i can barely do any of that.

the sad part is, i don't feel like there are many people i can reach out to. i feel like in doing that, i am a burden. i have always taken care of other people and now i need to be taken care of. but the type of friend who is going to wake up at 2am to listen to me cry about being a silly middle class white person are few and far between. i thought i had a lot of friends. i am finding out who the real friends are.

even though i have an art show coming up, i still feel inconsequential. what's the fucking point of an art show? what's the point of even making art? why did i get a job at this place i thought was going to be great, and it ends up being mediocre? after all the searching, i waited for THIS?? why haven't my parents gotten back to me? why is it that at 35, i am living on a friend's air mattress? yes, i spent a long time in brazil. what was that all for? i was hoping to reconnect with my roots and get to know the culture. what i learned was not to trust anyone. after being stolen from, lied to, poisoned and used, i learned that brazil was not what i wanted.

i'm lost. i don't know what i'm doing or where to go next.