seven years

it's crazy how music plays such a huge role in my life, sometimes subconsciously.

i just happened to want to listen to norah jones a few days ago, and "seven years" is the song i chose. i have been playing it repeatedly because it spoke to me. i was talking on the phone with my therapist last night, and the process i'm in right now is learning to "re-parent" myself since i didn't have healthy parenting as a child. so she had me, at the end of our session, try to remember one of my most painful memories growing up. my memory had to do with watching my mom mimic my older brother after she reprimanded him. she cowered, with her shoulders slumped over and stuck out her bottom lip as if she were pouting and said "this is you".
aside from the later death of my older brother, this is probably my most painful memory. my therapist then told me to imagine someone entering the room, a friend, a relative, someone i trusted. they put their hands on my shoulder, led me out of the room and said, "i'm so sorry you have to witness this. it's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do about it." i wished it had been my dad who was that protector, but it wasn't. strangely, in my imagination at this moment, it was a friend and religious sponsor.

after opening my eyes, my therapist asked me how old i was when that happened. i thought about it and said,
"seven years".

is there a reason i have been listening to this song for the past few days? she moves in mysterious ways.


this song went from being beautiful and devastating to being comforting in some familiar way. it feels like home.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXiRuSIXbns