solitude

For 17 years, I did what psychologists and bartenders do: listen to peoples' problems all day. Only I did it while doing their hair. At the end of the day, all I want to do is come home and be with my own thoughts.

But these thoughts that couldn't escape throughout the day kept me from sleeping. The mind needs time to assess life, to recap the day, etc. If that time is not available during the day, it will take what it needs when it can. For this, I had always had sleeping problems. I couldn't get to sleep, I would wake up and my mind would run. I couldn't even dream of taking a mid-day nap.

Since I've been in Costa Rica for three weeks with no one to talk to, I have slept better than I have in my entire life. Even as a child, I was a morning person, and I still am, waking up at 6-6:30 a.m. I have the time I so dearly need to just be alone, without anyone needing something from me, without the phone ringing, not seeing more than two or three people for weeks. I kind of imagined I could be this content, which is why I seek solitude. I'm not exploding with creativity and I'm not going to come up with the next theory of evolution. It's simple. Even though the thousands and thousands (yes, thousands) of people I have met in the 17 years of doing hair have given me wisdom, growth, enriched my life and given me humility with their stories of where they come from and who they have become, I am not afraid of dying alone because I would want to stay with myself for eternity. Does that make me a narcissist?