Friday, February 5, 2010
Favorite movies of all time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sECzJY07oK4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTCulYog5fw
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x58ueh_wet-hot-american-summer-theatrical_shortfilms
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hQel3noQeI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9Wx78z6L0A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rer6RTDPbc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S0LNGA2hp8 When I first arrived in Paris, this is the metro stop I ended up at. Unintentionally. This is my favorite scene from Amelie, or from almost any movie of all time. Glorious.
happiness
i have not been happy since i left brazil.
i have always been a happy person. for some reason, this has changed over the past few months. i have always felt i belonged here, i had passion. don't get me wrong; i'm not suicidal or anything, but i am standing still and i need to move forward. something's gotta give. life is throwing challenges i have not had to face in a long time. even in my profession, the economy has taken a toll. i have always been so independent, able to make money and survive, put myself through school, pay my bills, and even indulge in some sushi and jcrew when i wanted. now, i can barely do any of that.
the sad part is, i don't feel like there are many people i can reach out to. i feel like in doing that, i am a burden. i have always taken care of other people and now i need to be taken care of. but the type of friend who is going to wake up at 2am to listen to me cry about being a silly middle class white person are few and far between. i thought i had a lot of friends. i am finding out who the real friends are.
even though i have an art show coming up, i still feel inconsequential. what's the fucking point of an art show? what's the point of even making art? why did i get a job at this place i thought was going to be great, and it ends up being mediocre? after all the searching, i waited for THIS?? why haven't my parents gotten back to me? why is it that at 35, i am living on a friend's air mattress? yes, i spent a long time in brazil. what was that all for? i was hoping to reconnect with my roots and get to know the culture. what i learned was not to trust anyone. after being stolen from, lied to, poisoned and used, i learned that brazil was not what i wanted.
i'm lost. i don't know what i'm doing or where to go next.
i have always been a happy person. for some reason, this has changed over the past few months. i have always felt i belonged here, i had passion. don't get me wrong; i'm not suicidal or anything, but i am standing still and i need to move forward. something's gotta give. life is throwing challenges i have not had to face in a long time. even in my profession, the economy has taken a toll. i have always been so independent, able to make money and survive, put myself through school, pay my bills, and even indulge in some sushi and jcrew when i wanted. now, i can barely do any of that.
the sad part is, i don't feel like there are many people i can reach out to. i feel like in doing that, i am a burden. i have always taken care of other people and now i need to be taken care of. but the type of friend who is going to wake up at 2am to listen to me cry about being a silly middle class white person are few and far between. i thought i had a lot of friends. i am finding out who the real friends are.
even though i have an art show coming up, i still feel inconsequential. what's the fucking point of an art show? what's the point of even making art? why did i get a job at this place i thought was going to be great, and it ends up being mediocre? after all the searching, i waited for THIS?? why haven't my parents gotten back to me? why is it that at 35, i am living on a friend's air mattress? yes, i spent a long time in brazil. what was that all for? i was hoping to reconnect with my roots and get to know the culture. what i learned was not to trust anyone. after being stolen from, lied to, poisoned and used, i learned that brazil was not what i wanted.
i'm lost. i don't know what i'm doing or where to go next.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
life's a bitch
haven't heard back from my parents. aren't they the first people who are supposed to respond when your life is shit?
feeling like i have no reason to be here in sf. my job sucks, i have no love, i have a job that i'm overqualified for. i need to be around artists. i have friends but tonight, i bawled my eyes out and i could only think of two people i could call. one was in hawaii, two hours before california time, so i just hung up. the other, i had already exhausted on the phone, my best friend. one more, i thought of, but we are broken up. i would have really loved to have his understanding tonight. but it's not as simple as it seems. he's one of the reasons i am losing it.
things will get better, i know. i have always been here for me. i still will be.
feeling like i have no reason to be here in sf. my job sucks, i have no love, i have a job that i'm overqualified for. i need to be around artists. i have friends but tonight, i bawled my eyes out and i could only think of two people i could call. one was in hawaii, two hours before california time, so i just hung up. the other, i had already exhausted on the phone, my best friend. one more, i thought of, but we are broken up. i would have really loved to have his understanding tonight. but it's not as simple as it seems. he's one of the reasons i am losing it.
things will get better, i know. i have always been here for me. i still will be.
Monday, February 1, 2010
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